I’ve had friends and family go through extreme loss.
I mean – EXTREME – loss.
The death of a child/parent/friend, financial peril, physical or emotional damage.
Honestly whenever things like that happened to the people I know and love I always felt like an outsider – like I never fully understood their pain because though I have lost people, have experienced hurts and disappointments, my pain never seemed THAT acute or real.
I felt as though I were just borrowing grief and didn’t belong and had no right to claim that I shared in their misery.
I have had a tweet sitting in my drafts folder since a friend of my sister died a few months back that I have felt like posting a billion times but just never did because it felt too revealing and mopey and I like being an uplifting and positive presence online with my jokes and nonsensical posts, yada yada yada…
But the tweet was what I basically just iterated: “I’ve never felt real loss and I feel as though my grief is always just borrowed, never fully my own.”
I’ve recently changed my mind about grief though.
After certain circumstances and events arose in my life recently, I realized that my grief is real and just as acute as others.
You see, the thing about me is that I feel things – everything – in my soul. I’ve always been the emotional one in my family (and I’m constantly ridiculed for that fact (all in good spirit)) and so it has never taken much for me to flip on the water works. I just feel things. Actions can cut me deep – words cut me deeper. A good book, a great film, heck even a mediocre film or terrible book could make me tear up. One time Billy Ray said “I love ya, bud” to Miley on Hannah Montana and I couldn’t stop crying for 5 minutes.
Back to my original point: I think the reason that in the past I have felt as though my grief was not as valid or true as others’ is because I have never reached the point where despair trumps hope.
Even last night as I sat in my sisters room for over an hour just holding her hand and choking back tears with her – in the most grief and shock and emotional torment I have ever felt in my life, I knew that all was not lost. I know we will pull through. I felt it ringing true in my very being, even in that moment of hurt, that we were not alone and our grief was not foreign or unseen/unheard by the One who is ALWAYS there.
I thank God for being such a presence of hope and love in my life. It is all due to Him that I can see clearly even in my heart ache.
Don’t get me wrong – on the outside I UNLEASH – and I’m sure it looks like I’m losing my mind…
BECAUSE I AM AN UGLIER CRIER THAN KIM KARDASHIAN AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING.
But I hold tight to the truth that He knows what I am going through and that He has better days ahead of me.
Some scripture that helps:
25 ‘I see that the Lord is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
26 No wonder my heart is glad,
and my tongue shouts his praises!
My body rests in hope.
27 For you will not leave my soul among the dead
or allow your Holy One to rot in the grave.
28 You have shown me the way of life,
and you will fill me with the joy of your presence.’
And the standard Jeremiah 29:11 (I also included 29:12-14)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord.
Anyway, keep me and my family in your thoughts as prayers. And if you’re going through anything – remember you’re not alone. He waits for you to call on Him and He goes with you and will never leave or forsake you – even when you can’t feel or see it.